Last year, our friend and co-worker Helen told us a story about Mollie. At the time we talked, she was pregnant, really pregnant, with her second child (who has now been born)! I love this story because it reminds me about how important community and Godly friendships can be … We all live with a void that can only be filled when we experience life together -- in community. At Doxology, we value community as a church because we believe community is a place where each person can experience authentic and faithful friendships. We believe this so much that experiencing community as a congregation is part of our DNA. It's who we are. So … enjoy my quick chat with Mollie!

Interested in finding community?

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Transcript

‍Rob

It is 2021, and you're pregnant with your first child ... Tell me a little bit about the experience?

Mollie  

Well, when we first got when I first found out in July of 2021, and we had been trying for a little while, so we were obviously very excited. And then, you know, as the weeks went on, I was quickly met with, you know, the first trimester fun, the the nausea and morning sickness, but then quickly came, you know, hormone shifts, and then lots of emotional trouble with me having to navigate kind of how to handle all of the change at one time. And I was still working at the time. And I work in a high intensity environment. And it's, it was hard for me to sometimes keep my composure, which is not something I'm used to I'm not someone that is usually very emotional, very weepy person, but I just, I was emotional, and we'd be all the time. Yeah, so it was a tough, it was a tough mental battle. For the first several months of my pregnancy. As we got to second trimester, things started easing up a little bit. And then, but I felt this deep sense of loneliness. Like I didn't really I didn't really have any mom friends to help navigate. And to help me walk through this pregnancy. My parents live in South Louisiana. A lot of my friends still live in Louisiana, where I'm from. And I felt like I didn't have any body but my husband, and it was a, I was longing for a deeper connection with with friends I just didn't have at the time. So it was it was hard feeling that sense of that emptiness, that loneliness.

Rob

Does the pregnancy amplify that? I always I say that as I was a stay at home dad for many years. And when we would move that lack of connection, like I get on Facebook or so. And it's not satisfying at all.

 Mollie  

No, it's not the same at all. It does exactly the the hormones of the pregnancy, they just they amplify everything. And so everything feels very, very big, and very overwhelming. And so any normal, small emotion that you may feel may be amplified several times. And so having to navigate that with a very loving husband who just doesn't understand. Yeah, that's right. So yeah. tries hard to understand. Yes, he does. And he's, he's wonderful. And he was very supportive. But I was longing that I was longing for that deeper female friend mom connection. Yeah. Now, does social media exacerbate that? Yes. 100%. Because social media, it can, it can be dangerous, right? It can be great. But it could also be, it can also make you feel even more isolated, even though you can reach out and connect to whoever you want to. You see these pictures, you see this perfect picture world of someone else's life and you're like, wow, they have they have all these friends. They have all the support they they have this, they have that and you're like, well, anything.

Well, why can't I have that, but you never get the full picture. And so social media can truly make you feel even worse. And so sometimes it's best to just steer clear, but I would definitely say that social media can can make it worse. Yeah. Did it for you. I think it did. Yeah, there is a there's a group of friends that I wasn't really a part of, but I knew all of them. And so seeing all of their get togethers and pictures was like, like, dang, you know, I wish I could be a part of that. And it made it worse. Yeah, I did for me.

Rob

Is there ever a point where well, first, let's back up a little bit. Is there a low point there in isit when you're pregnant, or does it come later?

‍Mollie

‍Well, they were this specific group was they all had young babies or they were pregnant about to have a baby. And so I felt like I was kind of in this very similar stage of life as they were. And so I felt like that would be a great group to be a part of. And that's kind of that that community was kind of what I was longing for something that that group was something I wanted to be apart of. And I think it truly looking back now, I think it was a provision onGod's part to not have me be super plugged into that group. Not that they're bad people, but I think he had something bigger and better for me,

Rob

Why did you end up not really investing in that group?

Mollie  

I think it was, honestly, it was kind of this sounds very high school ish, it's it was a bit of exclusion on their part, which can make you feel really lonely, and really, really, really small. And I didn't really understand why I'm still friends with them. I'm still friendly with them, but I just didn't. I'm just not really a part of that group. And I think now I'm, I'm okay with it.

Rob   

Yeah. What did they do? Like, what does that look like?

Mollie  

They host and they have these get togethers, you know, they had like Halloween party, or like a Christmas party. And one particular instance, we were driving home from my husband's work Christmas party, and they had their own Christmas party, with their littles and all of them. And that wasn't invited. And so it was like, Uh, well Dang. Like, what like, what, like, why, like, what did I do kind of thing, and there was like, literally no reason. So I just kind of had to get to the point where I was like, Okay, this is not what, this is not what God has for me.

Rob

Is there a point where you're going through the depression, and you know, the hormonal shifts and everything? Is there a point where you think, okay, as long as once I get to childbirth, then I just, the busyness takes over? And I'll just kind of forget now just move into a new, a new season.

Mollie  

Yeah, there was definitely that hope that like, Okay, well, once I have her, and I'll begin this phase, as a new mom, maybe I'll just be so focused on what I'm doing with her that I'll kind of forget or not be as worried about, although postpartum depression was always a fear in the back of my mind, because I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. And so it was always a fear of mine. And truthfully, I felt fairly Okay, first couple weeks, and then the anxiety set in. And then some months later, the depression set in. And yes, there was that hope that it would just kind of fade in the background, and I would go back to normal, but I never really did. And I ended up just feeling like a shell of myself. Yeah.

Rob

Do you think there's a chicken and egg? In other words, I have the anxiety, and the anxiety is intense. And then I'm depressed because the anxiety is intense.

Mollie  

They certainly aggravate one another, they they play off of one another and one can exacerbate the other depending on your situation. The anxiety with having a newborn as asa first time mom, it's always like, oh my god, am I doing this right? Or am I -- is she going to be okay? Or am I hurting her? Or things like that. And then the depression is like this very, just this very empty, lonely feeling. And you feel like who you are, is kind of over here to the side. But then you have your body here. That's like, just kind of this, this shell of yourself. That's breastfeeding, being up in the middle of the night and doing all the things that a mom knows to do, but who you are. Yeah, you're like, in your heart is like somewhere else?

Rob

Yeah, it's existential. So childbirth comes along. And Baby is introduced. What's the after? What does that look like?

Mollie  

After was? Well, we were so just a little background we were induced because she was little so she came out small. She was perfectly healthy. And she still is a little bitty Yeah, she was just petite. She's chunky now. But she was a little bitty and you know, she she came out she had like her cord wrapped around her neck four times and I was just like, oh my god, I could have like I could have lost her and then like I just went down this like rabbit hole of anxiety like something could have happened to her like what if something's and she's so teeny I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm gonna break or Yeah, and and so there was this there were these moments of like, just just sheer fear of that something was going to happen to her. Yeah. When we got home because you know, you're you spent two days in the hospital they throw all this education at you and they send you home you're like okay, good luck by

Rob

The first one is terrifying!

Mollie  

Yes. It's so terrifying and me my husband came with me what right yeah, like what if you want to leave has to stay home with us for a week and thank GodThank God my mom was was home with us for the first couple of weeks and that helps tremendously her support and also just her her physical health. But yeah, the anxiety the anxiety was what was the worst the first several weeks before you kind of got somewhat of a routine down, and you're kind of like, okay, I kind of know how to breastfeed I kind of I'm kind of understanding her schedule and what she needs and that the anxiety was the worst at first. Yeah.

Rob

Is this where your depression kick in?

Mollie  

When she was a few months old. I think because I was at that point, I took three months off of work. I think I realized that I am not built to be a 100%. stay at home mom, it is just not who I am. I like to use my brain and be challenged and do what I went to school to do, which I'm a nurse. And so I wanted to go back I was I was ready to go back by three months. As the months went on, I went back part time, I was only at work like one maybe two days a week, but the rest of the time I was home with her. And it was just me, just me and her. While my husband was at work eight to five, that also felt really lonely. I mean, she's a baby, you know? Yeah, I didn't have much, much conversation with her.

So as the months went on, it got more and more isolating, and more lonely. And the depression kind of just kept sinking in more and more. And I got to a point where I told my husband, I'm like, I feel awful. I don't want to keep going like this because I feel like an empty shell of myself. And so that's when I that's when things in this that was probably around winter of 2022. Going into 2023 is when I started. I was like, okay, something's Something's gotta give.

Rob

Is that a low point?

Mollie  

Oh, yeah, I would definitely say that was a low point because I felt like I couldn't be who I want it to be for her.

Rob

So, you're a nurse. And are you a bit of a perfectionist? I was curious -- my wife was an ER nurse. She was running a code like the day before we induced our first baby. And she was telling me a story about being up on this table doing compressions and stuff. And I remember thinking, Who does this the dumbest thing ever and but she didn't care and could not count the days before she could get back. You know, into that rhythm again.

Mollie  

It's funny, you say she's an ER nurse. I'm an ICU nurse. And so ER nurse is an ICU nurses are very, very different. But we're also very similar. Yeah, in the sense that we like the action. We like the adrenaline we like the we like what we do. And I was the same way I was I was working Christmas Eve, and we had a code. I'm doing compressions. And I'm like, six or seven months pregnant. And my husband's like, you can't you don't need to be doing compressions. Like it's fine. You know? So but to your point, yes, there is a perfectionist, type and personality trait if you will. Yeah. And so, me feeling like I couldn't live up to the my own expectations of what I wanted to be as a mom for my daughter was hard because I felt like I was just falling short. Yeah,

Rob

I've always wondered about that. And now hearing that I didn't know you're a nurse.But now hearing that, and I've always been have challenged with my wife. I've challenged her before, that she had a handle on every problem that came through the door. And there's so much mystery when you have your first baby. Yeah, there shouldn't be any. Like, you feel like we should just be equipped for this. Like God should have already sort of pre programmed the instruction book in our brains. But he didn't. He didn't. And so this is huge mystery. What do Ido? Oh, the baby cried hates me. It is all so silly.

Mollie  

And everything feels very big. Because it's this human that you help you create it near like, and you love so intensely. And it's a love that you can not describe to anybody who doesn't have children. When she hit about 7, 8, 9, months postpartum, nine months old. I was I was feeling pretty, pretty, pretty terrible.

Rob

Yeah. Now, were you attending Doxology at this point?

Mollie  

I'm trying to think I think, yeah, we were sporadically. We weren't super consistent. Especially when I went back to work sometimes I work Sundays, and so he would stay home with with her. But you know, even rewinding a little bit closer to when she was a couple months old, a month old little I was we were sitting in in service one morning, and I had her strapped to my chest. She was sleeping and across the across the aisle. And she also had her youngest and a carrier asleep on her chest and she smiled kind of in solidarity with me. And and she found us after service and she introduced herself. And at that time actually my husband was actually working on trying to get us plugged into a community group. But we didn't know where to start or who to get plugged into and what group was right for us and I think he had actually communicated with Helen via email, before we actually physically met her, which was funny. So she gave us a couple of options. And then she also said, y'all are also welcome to join mine and mine and Sam's community group. And we went, and we tried, and it was, it was really good it was. And since since then that community group has expanded greatly. But the first couple, of course, you know, there's nerves involved, you know, meeting new people, and in this very new phase of life, and but it was, I could tell that this group was very special and very different, and how they support each other and gathered around one another to provide support, and love and prayer. And as I continued going, it was, it was clear that it was going to be pretty impactful for me, and it continued to be that way. Yeah.

Rob

And you feel like part of the group?

Mollie  

Yes, very welcomed, very, very loved, supported, cared for. Now, that's not to say that it solved all my problems. But I felt like I did have someone to turn to more or less. Yeah. And when I talked to them about the postpartum depression, they were like, oh, yeah, it's awful. Like, they all of them are like, it's like a fog that you can't get out of. But all of them are like, it does clear, it does lift, you do come out of it. And you do feel more or less like yourself, just to kind of a different a new version of yourself since your mom.But I was able to come to them like this is this is really hard to walkthrough. But they were there with me, walking with me. And that's, that's the community, I craved it and needed, I ended up finally going to counseling for my postpartum depression. And also for, you know, COVID, I worked through COVID. And it was probably long overdue, but I went mostly for postpartum depression, I, I got plugged into my community, my community group, and I went to counseling, and that is between the community group and that, that's what healed me of that. And now I know that I have this wonderful group of women that I can turn to at any point in any phase of my life. And they're there to provide me with love and support, and care and prayer.

Rob

That's awesome. So that's my next question. You're sitting across from me, fully pregnant? Yes. Does this does this experience feel better than the last?

Mollie  

It's funny you say that. You know, but it was, it was it was hard in the sense that it was unplanned and very much, not what we wanted, but very clearly what what God wanted at the time. And it took several, several months for us to get there. But the ladies knew how I felt about being pregnant again, so soon, cuz she had my daughter, our daughter had just turned one. And I got pregnant. And I was like, I just did this, you know, like, and, and that's what I told my husband, like, I felt like, I just got to the point where I felt like myself, and boom, I got pregnant again. And I'm like, What the heck this is, I just started feeling like, I got myself back.  

So when I when I turned those ladies like, I don't want this right now, this is not what I want. This is This is awful. This is blah, blah, blah. They were they were there. So in that regard, yes. I had more support than the last time. But it was met with other challenges. But as we continued to go through the pregnancy, and I was also horribly sick. My first trimester, I lost like 20 pounds. I couldn't eat. I couldn't I mean, it was just I just felt physically absolutely awful. Yeah, which was also presented another challenge to walk through besides the mental and emotional part of it.

But as the months progressed, and we kind of got used to the idea of having two children under two were able to kind of come closer together as a couple and there was a lot of growth involved. The support that we had from the group was, was was really needed. I'm not sure what we would have done if we didn't have them, or if we didn't have Doxology as a true church community that we could come to and during those times. That alone is a huge provision but then also knowing that I'm going into this in this new postpartum season with a group of women who have been there who are willing to step in and help me and pray for me and love me. That that makes the biggest difference for me.